EXCLUSIVE: Obama Prepared to Demand France Return to 1917 Borders

Following up on his recent calls for Israel to return to its 1967 border, Obama is now calling on France to return to its 1917 border and return the provinces of Alsace and Lorraine back to Germany. For the first time ever, here is President Barack Obama's upcoming speech on Peace in the Middle Europe:

A strong and secure France is in the national security interest of the United States not simply because of a long and boring list of reasons which I shall list and wait for you to clap after each one, but flows from a deeper and magical place that I will not name-- and that place is the values we share. As two people who struggled to win our freedom against overwhelming odds, America and France, we understand that preserving the security for which our forefathers -- and foremothers -- and rearbrothers-- and sidesisters-- and yoregrandfadders-- fought must be the work of every generation. As two vibrant democracies, we recognize that the liberties and freedoms we cherish must be constantly tortured. And as the nation that recognized the French Republic first after its independence, we have a profound commitment to its survival as a strong, secure homeland for the French people.

And so, in both word and deed, we have been unwavering in our support of France's security.  And it is precisely because of our commitment to France's long-term security that we have worked to advance peace between France and Germany. Now after all these words, just words, prepare to get a knife in your back. (Big Applause.)

The status quo between France and Germany is unsustainable. And so, in advance of a five-day trip to Europe in which I will go to parties and concerts and sight-see, I chose to ignore pressing topics like the collapse of the world economy and instead stick my nose into an issue which I have neither experience or training to speak on. There was nothing particularly original in my proposal earlier this week; this basic framework for negotiations has long been the basis for discussions among the parties, and is something with Germany has long requested. But, since others have deemed to question me, the One, let me simply lecture you all again and knock down a series of strawmen arguments to appear smart and sophisticated.

I said that the United States believes that negotiations should result in two states, with permanent borders for Germany and France based on the 1917 lines with mutually agreed swaps. In doing so, I give to Germany things which they do not own, and then demand that France trade for those things, as if I have the authority or ability to do any of this. (applause)

As for security, every state has the right to self-defense, and France must be able to defend itself –- by itself -– against any threat. (Applause.)  Meaningless guarantees must be issued to France that the Alsace and Lorraine regions will not become platforms for invasion. Now, that is what I said previously. And it was my reference to the 1917 lines -- with mutually agreed swaps -- that received the lion’s share of the attention, including just now. And since my position has been misrepresented several times, let me reaffirm what “1917 lines with mutually agreed swaps” means. If you look up the phrase "border lines with mutually agreed swaps" in any dictionary or online, you will see that it plainly means that the parties themselves -– France and Germany -– will negotiate a border that is different than the one that existed in 1917.  If it is different, that is good, because I want it to start from the same framework that existed when things were different so that it reflects the same level of fairness present in the now different reality.

Thank you. God bless you. God bless Germany, and God bless the United States of America. Thank you. (Applause.)

Of course, this is satire. I took the speech that Obama gave at the AIPAC policy conference in May of 2011 and simply edited it a bit. This guy is a joke, and anyone who votes for him is a joke, and he is making a mockery of our nation and our foreign policy.

UPDATE: To be fair, I got the idea for this post after reading John Lillpop's post "Obama to Call for Return of U.S. –Mexico Borders to 1843?". In my case, I thought it was even more absurd for the President of the United States to be demanding that two non-US countries set a border to our liking than it was for Obama to call for the US to return to our own 1843 border, but I guess the other point is that the past is the past- whether it is 1843 or 1967, those borders are not as relevant as the real situation on the ground, and it is a joke to refer to them as any sort of starting point for negotiations.