Stop Global Cooling

With the passage of the Tax and Limit bill in the House, it now looks like the US government will indeed take steps to limit its energy growth and move our nation backwards to the stone age. The bill includes subsidies which will transfer wealth from businesses and taxpayers to projects which were the dream of visionaries in the 1800's- railroads, bike paths, windmills, and hydroelectric. It is as if Obama and the Democrats want to make America poorer, less prosperous, and less advanced, all in the name of appeasing Mother Earth.

Because of the progress of this bill, I am now forced to confront a fear which I had hoped humankind had finally solved- global cooling. Growing up, I looked with fear on pictures of freezing hunter-gathers trying to kill mammoths during the ice ages. That could be me, I thought with alarm. Then I sighed happily, gazed at my air conditioner and SUV, and realized that it would not be me- that because of my actions, I would not have to suffer through another ice age and the ravages that it brings.

But now, I may. The dreaded ice age that strikes every several hundred years will once again come, now that massive amounts of money will be transferred from productive people and businesses to useless government tinker toy projects. All of that energy and warmth and power will be gone- sucked out of the United States by the brutal and cold hand of government. At a massive cost, the United States will possibly lower the Earth's temperature now .000000001 degrees over the next hundred years, thereby encouraging the deadly glaciers of the upper north.

I fear these glaciers and this ice age. If only global warming was caused by the sun! But, it may not be- it may indeed be related to me driving my SUV, setting my air at a chilly 64, and mowing my lawn on ozone action days. I only hope so, because now I am going to have to do those things more and more to stave off global cooling.

Today I announce it my intention to drive a bigger and bigger car, at faster speeds, and not inflate me tires- I will make it my goal to fight global cooling by turning my air condition lower and my heating higher- I will do my best to defy the glaciers of the north, ever on the horizon, by starting and stopping my lawn mower whenever I feel like and running it on ozone action days- and I swear that I will someday buy a cow and feed it whatever makes him fart the most. This I do to fight global cooling.

And if all of this sounds silly to you, actually read the bill the House passed and do some research on man-made global warming, and you'll see that that is a lot sillier than anything I could ever write. The difference is my thoughts aren't dangerous to our nation.